Anger has always been the most difficult emotion for me to express.
Don’t blame me; it’s filial. Grandpa used to beat grandma. My father grew up watching that and swore to himself that he would never. He kept his promise and became passive-aggressive. He spent my childhood brooding silently, a lump in a lounge chair, the angry God who slept beneath the volcano. He didn’t use fists, but he did use his voice. He has a tone that can wither flowers, destroy sunshine, and make you feel like you’ve never been worthy of love and never will be.
I have that tone. It’s taken me decades to understand where it comes from, and get rid of it. I also have the same problem my dad has expressing anger. I feel like the world will come apart if I do.
As we all know, depression is anger turned inward. I might have some residual depression to work out from my divorce, but what I really am is angry.
I have every right to be angry. She pulled away, she did the cheating, she looked around at our life and decided to destroy it. I had a peaceful heart once, but now I don’t. She destroyed that, too.
I hate her for that. I hate her for it, and I’m allowed to, dammit. I am allowed to hate my ex-wife for breaking my heart.
When I told my uncle Dom about the upcoming nuptials, he asked if I was going to tell Andi. He might as well have asked if I was planning on running a marathon. I can’t say running one is an awful idea, but it’s just never occurred to me that it’s something I might do.
“Do you think I should?” I asked.
“Oh, I can’t answer that,” he said.
I thought about it. I saw the logic (and we’ve all seen that movie); I’d rather you hear it from me than someone else. But the truth is, I don’t care where or if she hears about my marriage. Like my life, it has nothing to do with her. That’s the beauty of divorce. If I don’t want to consider her feelings, I don’t have to. At all.
If I ruin my relationship with Becky because of my ex, because of my broken heart, because of my anger and hatred... well, I can try hating my ex for destroying two marriages, but I doubt the lie would last.
If I don’t work these feelings out, they will poison what Becky and I have.
But I’ll have no one to blame except myself.