GOODYEAR - Betty Corona of Lake Pleasant and her fiance Eric Clueless of Salt River have Arizona police wondering if they have a pair of bumbling idiots on their hands or if they are witnessing the start of a strange crime spree.
Workers arriving at Goodyear’s Amazon fulfillment and warehouse center on Monday, July 11th discovered graffiti, discharged fire extinguishers, and broken furniture. The computer equipment was smashed to pieces. In addition, most of the Fiction, Young Adult, and Biography titles had been stolen.
Every other book was left undisturbed, apart from copies of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s novel A Shore Thing and Bristol Palin’s memoir Not Afraid of Life, which had been piled together, befouled, and burned.
It might have taken police time to run DNA tests on the excrement smeared over Palin and Polizzi’s respective opuses, but Corona and Clueless saved them the trouble: they left their names in black marker on the wall.
Officer Gareth Keenan commented, “There are some pretty stupid criminals around, but to leave your own name at the scene of the crime takes the biscuit.”
Police searched their names and saw that Corona and Clueless are wanted after failure to appear at an arraignment hearing for charges of lewd and lascivious conduct for allegedly filming amateur porn inside their car in broad daylight. Police also noted that both had served time within the month for driving with misdemeanor impaired alertness.
The property damages are well over $250, which means Corona and Clueless will be facing felony criminal damage and felony graffiti charges. They also face breaking and entering charges, and may face felony arson charges stemming from the burning of the books.
In addition to leaving their names at the scene, Corona and Clueless also vandalized an Amazon poster by adding “Is Gay,” wrote “shop indie” across employee’s desks, and wrote “B.C. n’ E.C. 4-Evah!” inside a heart on the distribution manager’s door.
Police assume they’re headed west due to another piece of graffiti which reads, “L.A. here we cum!”
“Their idiocy certainly makes our job much easier,” Keenan said.
Anyone with information is asked to call Crime Fighters at (800) 555-TIPS.