Friday, October 2, 2009

Why We Can't Be Friends

The question I get most is what it feels like to break with someone after so many years. Some people flat-out ask. Others say, “I can’t imagine what it must feel like…” with arched brows and a sideways glance, leaving me to fill the ellipsis. If there’s a perfect answer I haven’t found it yet, but this metaphor is close enough for government work.

It’s like I used to be a world-class athlete, but now I’m paralyzed. Looking at Andi is like looking at all of those amazing things I used to be able to do.

Oddly enough, I’ve barely seen her in months. Now that I’ve finally moved out, she’s calling and texting every day. If there’s a path to ensuring we’ll never be friends again, asking for a lunch date every week is a good way to begin. I’d rather hear from a bill collector. Not because I hate her, as she seems to think, but because it’s just too painful.

Adaptability is one of my strengths. I’m enjoying my new life, but I don’t want my face rubbed in the old.


  1. Hullo AJC,
    Its a complete outsiders perspective of course, but I have been through separation and divorce myself.

    What you are is partly where you have been and what you have been through. All things change in time and emotions have cycles.

    You wont hate her forever and there was a reason that you made that connection in the first place, but sometimes connections, for all the right or wrong reasons go beyond where they should.

    Do you want to/can you afford to have one less friend in the world? By rejecting contact are you lashing out in revenge.? Do you know how she feels?

    Sure your hurting, but isn't she. Is there a possibility that you can remain in contact and that ultimately your life and hers could be richer as a result?

    You need time to lick your wounds and to be on your own again, not validated by your relationship. Fine, maybe tell her that contact by text or email may be fine but not face to face because its a bit too raw just now.

    I'd let her know that if there is a chance of a relationship on the basis of friendship possible at all that that possibility needs to be nurtured now and given some time to recover if it is ever going to be in the future.

    In time the reasons why you split will become much clearer. All the soul searching you have been going through will/could be a great benefit when seen through the perspective of time.

    When those feelings of hurt anger and betrayal go you may find you are a much better, stronger, independant person and a better friend, partner or lover because of that.

    Give it time.........


  2. Sorry, meant to say you wont hurt forever not hate her.......

  3. Thanks, Al. Read a certain way, it's easy to think of this as "Why We Can't Ever Be Friends." Maybe I should have called the post "Why We Can't Be Friends Now." She's been my best friend since I was a teenager; that's the biggest hole in my life. But as you said, giving it time is all I can do.