if we want hell then hell is what we'll have

And I would turn on the TV

But it's so embarrassing

To see all the other people

I don't even know what they mean

And it was magic at first

But let everyone down

And now this world is gonna hurt

You better turn it around

Turn it around

- Jack Johnson, Cookie Jar

While researching stupid criminals on which to base the crime spree of Betty Corona and Eric Clueless, I came across a great deal of crime which is the opposite of funny.  In the glut of horror which news channels drool over in the pursuit of ratings, three stand out.

First, there’s one I’ve heard many people talking about, the 17-year-old whose parents wouldn’t let him have a house party.  He decided the thing to do was beat them to death with a hammer and throw a party anyway, with their murdered corpses locked in their bedroom.  He told a friend about it during the party, and the friend called 911.

Maybe the murderous teen used the same tone another teen at a different party might use to confide a venial sin; dude, I raided my parent’s liquor cabinet for this; they’re so gonna kill me.  Maybe he was bragging.  We don’t know yet.  He’s not cute like that girl who killed her baby and got away with it, so the spotlight only flickers over him.  You can read about his crime and watch videos on websites which make snide comments like it’s more “news of the weird,” the same websites which invite you to vote on celebrity hotness and rate fad diets.

The next is also getting a lot of play, the California woman who cut off her estranged husband’s penis and threw it down a garbage disposal.  I was in college when Lorena Bobbit created a national punch line by cutting off John Wayne Bobbit’s penis.  He was abusive, beating and raping her over the course of their six-year marriage.  On the night in question, he came home drunk, raped her, passed out, and she reacted violently.    

By contrast, the California woman drugged her ex, tied him up, waited for him to regain consciousness, then cut his penis off.  People seem to be taking this one much more seriously.  In 1993, there were a few pundits who did not see the funny.  They asked readers to imagine if the roles were reversed; would anyone be laughing if some husband waited for his wife to pass out, then cut her breasts off / sewed her vagina shut / cut her nose off?  These few were a minority.  Even they conceded that while the reverse was horrific, there was nothing on a woman’s body that had achieved the symbolic status of masculinity (and even abuse) as the penis.  

There was no way to prove abuse beyond Lorena’s word, but Bobbit has abused the two wives he’s had since so I think we can agree that Lorena didn’t make it up to avoid conviction.  Since we couldn’t be clear on the couple’s dark history, at the time the general reaction was, Hey, the penis got sewn back on - no harm, no foul.  Folks want the California woman locked up for life for various offenses, including torture.  We don’t know what the history is with the California couple beyond the woman’s curt declaration to the cop who picked her up; “He deserved it.”

Then there was a squib I haven’t heard anyone talking about.  A couple of California meth addicts attempted to sell their 6-month-old baby outside of a Walmart for $25.  It’s the type of awful crime, the loveless, soulless, everyday atrocity so senseless and terrible you know it will never make a Leno monologue.

Except it does.  Snarky bloggers use the $25 dollar Walmart baby as a punchline about rock-bottom pricing.  You can envision a world, years from now, so lacking in empathy, so inured to cruelty, that crimes like these become fodder not for anonymous bloggers but are exploited on network TV by beloved comedians.  It’s no world you want to be a part of, but you are.  You are living in this world, this country, day by day, and every day we lose a little empathy toward our fellow man, every day the collective “norm” takes another step toward a national pychopathy.  

Is the world getting worse?  In the early 20th century, a woman used a cutting board and a kitchen knife to behead her baby because “I always thought there was something wrong with him.”  Now we have Casey Anthony.  As far as I can see, atrocity has always been with us.  It’s the way we act about it that’s getting me down.

“The way we act, or rather don’t act.”  That’s what I wanted to like to write.  But we’re beyond not acting.  Our attention feeds the machine.  By enjoying the 24-hour news coverage - even if your enjoyment is rooting against the criminal, or hoping to see justice done, or marveling at where we stand as a society, you are enjoying the broadcast - we are complicit.

  

Fun with Passport Photos Part Five (last one, I swear): Jail Break

Betty Corona

PHOENIX - On May 1st, 2015, jail personnel were baffled when they were confronted by a character from Maurice Sendak’s Where the Wild Things Are trying to break down a staff door while apparently waving a gun.

Carol turned out to be 31-year-old Betty Corona, who was attempting to free her husband from Maricopa county jail.  Corona went on to hurl concrete missiles at officers’ cars.

Corona, dressed as Carol, attacks a woman trying to phone for help.

A source told The Sun: “It’s not every day you see a furry beast go on the rampage after trying to break into a jail. She wasn’t exactly inconspicuous but she was taken seriously because she appeared to have a gun.

“She caused all this commotion, and later it turned out she was armed with a water pistol.”

At one point, Corona removed her mask and smiled for the security camera.

Corona then invited sheriff's deputies to take their best shot.

It emerged after Betty Corona was arrested that she had attempted to break into the wrong prison. She had staged the attempted jail-break at the Maricopa County Jail, while the husband she was looking for was locked up in the nearby Maricopa County 4th St Jail.

The source added: “This has got to rank as the worst attempted jail break ever.”

It is not clear where Corona got the wild things costume, or why she chose to wear it while attempting to free her husband.

Corona was quoted as saying, “I have no idea what’s going on.”


A spokesman for the Phoenix Police Department said Corona was arrested on suspicion of criminal damage and held under the Mental Health Act after the incident.

Fun with Passport Photos Part Four: Un-Smooth Criminals

RIVERSIDE - In what police are calling a perfect storm of criminal incompetence, Betty Corona and Eric Clueless have been captured after a string of botched robberies in San Bernardino, Highland, and Moreno Valley.  

The criminals first struck a CVS Pharmacy on July 28th, at the corner of Elm and Spruce in Highland.  Wearing matching doctors masks, shower caps, and Sleepy Panda eye masks with holes cut through them, the pair threatened violence if the clerk didn’t open the register.  The clerk said he could not open the register without a sale.  The man asked for Trident Cinnamon gum, but the CVS had none in stock.  The pair looked at each-other, shrugged, and walked out.

They tried again two days later just a few blocks away at a Whole Foods on Broadwater, and then Friday at a Starbucks on Woodland Avenue in Moreno Valley, then Sunday at another CVS on fifth ave in Highland.  Each time they wore the same doctors masks, shower caps, and Sleepy Panda eye masks.  

In each botched robbery, the man stuck his hand beneath his shirt to make it look like he had a gun, police said.  He would demand cash while the woman held a canvas tote bag open.  They never lasted more than a few seconds before fleeing the scene.

"They were really giggly," one clerk, who asked not to be identified, said.

"It was weird how impatient they were," another clerk remarked.  "It was like, 'Money now, please.'  Then 'Screw this, I'm leaving.'  I'm like, 'Give me a chance to open the register,' you know?"

Cops were certain it was Betty Corona and Eric Clueless, an Arizona couple with outstanding warrants in that state for non-violent crimes, because the pair would often call each-other by name during their failed attempts.

The couple finally made off with some loot from the San Bernardino Starbucks about noon on Monday, this time wearing full halloween tiger masks.  They loaded up a canvas tote with coffee bags and left without paying.  

"I thought it was some kind of fraternity prank," Barista Skip Redford said.  "The cops got really bent out of shape about it."

Police released this surveillance photograph of the couple standing outside the San Bernardino Starbucks, waiting for it to open:

Police speculate that Betty Corona is standing on a box in this photo.

On Monday, August 8th, around 6 p.m., Corona and Clueless approached a Citizens Bank counter inside a grocery store on 7th ave in Highland.  Clueless gave the teller a note written on a ripped paper plate that said, "We are robbing you.  Now."

The teller told them that the branch was closing and closed the security screen door.  The pair looked at each-other, shrugged, and walked out.

"In retrospect maybe I was putting myself in danger," the teller said," but it didn't feel like it at the time.  They were so clueless.  I thought it was some kind of performance art."

Their reign of haplessness finally came to an end when they entered a mom and pop gas station in Riverside on Wednesday, August 10th.  Hoping to pass the time waiting to be alone with the clerk as naturally as possible, Clueless asked for a job application.  He then proceeded to fill out the application with his real name, cell phone number, and his address back in Salt River, AZ. 

When the other customers left, Corona and Clueless donned their tiger masks and managed to convince owner John Henning to give up the cash in his drawer.  Henning, however, was reluctant to give Betty Corona the pack of Parliament lights she also requested.  Henning told Corona she didn’t look old enough to buy tobacco.

Corona removed her mask and assured Henning that she was 27, more than old enough to legally purchase tobacco.  Henning remained unconvinced.

Finally, Corona pulled out her drivers license to prove that she was of age.  Henning thanked her and handed the card back, along with the Parliament lights.

Between Clueless’s job application and Corona’s ID, Henning had more than enough information to confirm what police had suspected all along; their bumbling bandits were drug and alcohol imbibing, amateur porn filming, avid readers from Arizona.

“They’ve had one successful robbery out of eight attempts,” Officer Bernard Chucklebuckle said, "and that was only because Heller wanted to see that ID.   Well, two successes I guess, if you count the coffee.  Either way, we’re not talking Bonnie and Clyde here."

Nevertheless, police were determined to use the information they had to finally bring Corona and Clueless to justice.  Lucky for them, Corona had left her tiger mask behind at Heller's gas station.

John Henning called the cell number on Eric Clueless's application.  Henning told Clueless they had left a mask behind.  The couple promptly returned for the mask, and police immediately arrested them.   

"They're harmless," Chucklebuckle said.  "Still, we need to lock them up before they manage to accumulate any more jail time.  You want your tax money spent feeding these two wastes of bone structure?  I sure don't.” 

Under California law, the couple face three (3), six (6), or nine (9) years for first-degree robbery for each offense.  They can be conviction mens rea for the 7 botched attempts, but the prosecutors face a bigger problem.   As the couple never used any kind of weapon, prosecutors need to prove that the felonious taking of personal property was "accomplished by means of force or fear."  In each instance, no weapon was used, and none of the clerks were afraid.

As Chucklebuckle prepared to drive off, he had to ask; why did Eric Clueless fill out an application with his real name?  Why did Betty Corona remove her mask and hand Heller her drivers license?  And why, after a robbery had finally managed to net them some cash, did they return to the crime scene?

"Need a job," Clueless mumbled.  "And, you know. . . masks are expensive."

Undercover officer Dusty Grimes leads Betty Corona to a squad car shortly after her arrest.

Fun with Passport Photos Part Three: Amazon Vandals

GOODYEAR - Betty Corona of Lake Pleasant and her fiance Eric Clueless of Salt River have Arizona police wondering if they have a pair of bumbling idiots on their hands or if they are witnessing the start of a strange crime spree.

Workers arriving at Goodyear’s Amazon fulfillment and warehouse center on Monday, July 11th discovered graffiti, discharged fire extinguishers, and broken furniture.  The computer equipment was smashed to pieces.  In addition, most of the Fiction, Young Adult, and Biography titles had been stolen.  

Every other book was left undisturbed, apart from copies of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s novel A Shore Thing and Bristol Palin’s memoir Not Afraid of Life, which had been piled together, befouled, and burned.   

It might have taken police time to run DNA tests on the excrement smeared over Palin and Polizzi’s respective opuses, but Corona and Clueless saved them the trouble: they left their names in black marker on the wall.

Officer Gareth Keenan commented, “There are some pretty stupid criminals around, but to leave your own name at the scene of the crime takes the biscuit.”  

Police searched their names and saw that Corona and Clueless are wanted after failure to appear at an arraignment hearing for charges of lewd and lascivious conduct for allegedly filming amateur porn inside their car in broad daylight.  Police also noted that both had served time within the month for driving with misdemeanor impaired alertness.  

The property damages are well over $250, which means Corona and Clueless will be facing felony criminal damage and felony graffiti charges.  They also face breaking and entering charges, and may face felony arson charges stemming from the burning of the books.

In addition to leaving their names at the scene, Corona and Clueless also vandalized an Amazon poster by adding “Is Gay,” wrote “shop indie” across employee’s desks, and wrote “B.C. n’ E.C. 4-Evah!” inside a heart on the distribution manager’s door.  

Police assume they’re headed west due to another piece of graffiti which reads, “L.A. here we cum!”

“Their idiocy certainly makes our job much easier,” Keenan said.

Anyone with information is asked to call Crime Fighters at (800) 555-TIPS. 

Fun with Passport Photos Part Two: Miles Per Hour Club

Eesh.

PHOENIX - It was the most unique traffic stop two police officers from Shaded Leigh  have ever had.

At approximately 2:45pm on July 9th, officers stopped 27-year-old Betty Corona for an equipment violation in the 200 block of Rolling Hill Lane in Shaded Leigh.

The officers pulled Corona over when they saw her driving erratically.  Officers found Corona to have her pants unbuttoned with a female sex toy in her lap.  38-year-old passenger Erik Clueless was found wearing only boxer shorts and holding a video camera.   

Corona told officers she had been using the toy while driving, as well as watching a video on a computer her passenger was holding.  It is not clear what the nature of that video was, but the computer was hooked up to Clueless’s camera.

Clueless explained his lack of attire by claiming to have no clean clothes.  He further claimed to be filming local wildlife.  

When officers pointed out that Shaded Leigh was a residential area not known for its wildlife, Clueless said, “Whatever I was filming, it definitely was not homemade, behind-the-wheel pornography.”  

A broken crack pipe was also found in the car. 

The couple is charged with two counts of possession of drug paraphernalia and one count of lewd and lascivious conduct.  In Arizona, first offense on a Possession of Drug Paraphernalia charge carries a maximum six (6) month sentence, while Lewd and Lascivious Conduct carries a minimum sentence of seven (7) years in prison and a maximum of sentence of fifteen (15) years in prison. 

Corona is also charged with driving with misdemeanor impaired alertness, which could add another ten (10) days in jail, a $1,500 fine, and up to five (5) years probation.

According to court records, both suspects had just been released from jail for misdemeanor impaired alertness, stemming from a separate incident.  

Court records show that a warrant was issued for the couple's arrest after they failed to appear for their arraignment just hours after they were processed and released from the Maricopa County Justice Center.

When asked if the couple should be considered dangerous, officer James Dunwitty of the Shaded Leigh police department said, “Not really.  We have the sex toy, the camera, and the crack pipe.  Our community is safe.”

Fun with Passport Photos Part One: Two for One

Yikes.

PHOENIX - Police Officers in Wooded Glen are calling it a two for one.

Troopers stopped a car driven erratically by Eric Clueless, 38, of Salt River, at 12:17 a.m. on Sunday, June 11th on Fountain Hills Road in Fountain Hills, police said.  Police arrested Clueless on suspicion of driving drunk, saying his blood alcohol content was 0.09 percent.

Troopers booked Clueless, who called his fiance to post bail.  

At approximately 3:00 a.m., Betty Corona, 27, of Lake Pleasant, arrived to take her fiance to his home.  When Corona leaned over the counter to sign in, Officer Scott Beyor detected a strong odor of marijuana.  

“I tried to conduct a field sobriety test,” Officer Beyor said, “but Mrs. Corona couldn’t stop giggling.”

Corona was immediately taken into custody.  A subsequent search of her car found 2.17 ounces of packaged marijuana.  

While a chemical test revealed marijuana in Corona’s system and her appearance was consistent with an individual intoxicated with marijuana, without knowing Corona’s driving pattern, the amount of marijuana she consumed, and her personal tolerance, it will be difficult to prove that she was under the influence at the time she was driving.  

Both Clueless and Corona are charged with driving with misdemeanor impaired alertness, which could carry up to ten (10) days in jail, a $1,500 fine, and up to five (5) years probation.  

Corona also faces simple possession charges, which could carry six (6) to seventeen (17) months in jail and a fine between $750 and $150,000.

Court records show this is the first time the couple has run afoul of the law.  They will likely receive probation.